Crap jokes time.....

[TheStoat]

.....I challenge you to find worse than these All nicked from other fora of course!




Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crisp friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


---------------------------------------------


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan "

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk,all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

-------------------------------------------------

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies , 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me'.

[Bort]

love'em

[Dinkel]

Give Andy a few beers and the bar is his

All well mate?

[TheStoat]

Yeah, doing well now the car is up and running

[TheStoat]

An elderly couple were attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? The husband thinks for a bit and advises..........

























'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[TheStoat]

[TheStoat]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. San. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. San said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. San then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. ' So she did.

Dr.San shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.San what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'

Dr. San sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[TheStoat]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months of struggling for survival, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed there when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him , 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*cking hell don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?'

[TheStoat]

Ball in the face anyone?

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/1545/Fi ... mpilation/

[Dinkel]

Epic Andy, too much time?

[Metchu]

LOL

[TheStoat]

Epic Andy, too much time?

Maybe

[Dinkel]

How's the cars?

[TheStoat]

Car's going fine now


Smart penguin anyone?

[Aram]

Way cool!!

Always makes me feel good to see the underdo...underpenguin win!

[TheStoat]

A Christmassy one for you.....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door and yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

[Dinkel]

Ta!

[TheStoat]

Wii Sex Toy video...

http://www.break.com/index/wii_sex_toy.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[TheStoat]

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from England , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland, each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, end a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock end made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds end beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today.'

Rich, the Englishman remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick

[Jorik]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything,
he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw
her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;

"Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"

[TheStoat]

The other night I was expecting an important phone call, so I slept with my mobile under the pillow.
When I woke up, it was gone and there was just a shiny new fifty pence piece where I'd left it.

Damn that blue-tooth fairy!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A father shark teaches his kid how to hunt people:

"When you see a human, you approach to about 30ft from him, make sure he sees you and then you swim a couple of circles around him. Then you get closer to about 10ft, and again you swim a few circles around him. Then you come really close to him, even touch him, you wait one minute and then, well, you eat him."

"But why can't I just get him and eat him?" asks the little shark.

"You can do that, too, if you don't mind eating his shit."

[Dinkel]

Cheers Andy, I'll get you a special table at the spring Run . . . and an audience!

[Mark Nauta]

The Blue-tooth fairy hahaha

[TheStoat]

FIGHTING TALK.....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.

So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started....

****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 30 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[Aram]

Are these your own experiences we see here?