I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you,
that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do,
with me having trouble shitting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a
matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length
that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle
between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that
I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd
loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two
things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the
lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the
creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what
I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could
remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached
its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to
be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why
don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out
like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go
down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many
Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day
for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet
access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and
a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack
to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair.
Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and
miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my
twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless
cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and
surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was
smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world
God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after
I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it
for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next
day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing
two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice
something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was
causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each
other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping
it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic
shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up
after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky
shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to
itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its
way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down
there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I
finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against
each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants,
and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and
spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a
horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4
block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma
of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I
fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass
cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor
mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I
had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back.
Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every
opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair -
ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck
between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can
get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that
slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone
who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it
comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo
pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture,
and there are many times when I just look out the window and
contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in
one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
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