Crap jokes time.....

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 07 feb 2009, 14:12

Just a selection then ;)

TheStoat
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 07 feb 2009, 20:45

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in despair. "Why on earth would an accountant get a Hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is currently recovering in hospital

Xave30
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Xave30 » 07 feb 2009, 20:48

^^
ahahahaha

The sheer audacity !

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 07 feb 2009, 21:04

What are you doing 4 / 5th April Andy?

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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 08 feb 2009, 21:00

Nothing at the moment - I got made redundant so no weekend work for me :)

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 09 feb 2009, 20:12

You're joking . . . I hope.

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Aram
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Aram » 09 feb 2009, 21:21

Nope, looks like he's not. :(

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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 25 feb 2009, 21:42

Nope, not joking I got canned by the Americans. Fortunately I found a new job within a week :) My old company then phoned me to ask for three more months of my time. Typical eh? My new job starts next month and I didn't want to risk losing it. So instead I've had a bit of time off to prepare. Still, on the upside here's a cool video :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUl ... playnext=1" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 26 feb 2009, 19:24

Campy sh@t that. Fit bird though.

Good to hear you're OK Andy.

Who won at the kartrace last week?

Extra time, and still not on FB? Oh boy, that's serious . . . ;)

See you 4/5 April?

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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 01 mar 2009, 18:42

I was in the B & Q Warehouse yesterday pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 01 mar 2009, 20:02

Aha, Andy is into trio sex.

I'm sorry, a naked dude with a boner held by my wife is not for me.

You're weird dude . . .

:silly:

:hosanna:

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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 01 mar 2009, 23:25

Are you sure you're Dutch? :D

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 02 mar 2009, 00:18

Please Andy, don't pull me into this kinda stuff, it's really not for me.

Go on and keep on searching but I'm keeping my pants on.

;)

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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 02 mar 2009, 20:15

Dinkel schreef:I'm keeping my pants on.
Kinky!

:wink:

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 02 mar 2009, 22:00

Aha, so that's what arouses you ;)

DSR polos: 13 March.

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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 02 mar 2009, 22:48

Cool :banaan:

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 03 mar 2009, 19:24

I'll bring both of them to London 4/5th.

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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 08 mar 2009, 20:53

3 mice in a pub discussing who's the hardest

The 1st mouse says "I'm the hardest, I snatch cheese off mouse traps and when the bar snaps down I catch it and bench press it 30 times before throwing it across the room"

"Pfffft" says the 2nd mouse "I crush rat poison into powder and snort it"

The 3rd mouse finishes his pint and heads for the door, the other mice say "where are you going?"

"Home" he replies.... "to shag the cat"

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Aram
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Aram » 09 mar 2009, 18:41

:banaan:

TheStoat
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 04 apr 2009, 18:18

You're on a horse galloping at high speed. On your left is a sharp drop off and on your right is an Elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a Kangaroo that you are unable to overtake no matter how hard you try and behind you a lion. What must you do to get out of this dangerous situation?













Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round and act your age

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 06 apr 2009, 21:36

Hi Andy, didn't see you back after our dash to GW.

TheStoat
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 09 apr 2009, 16:11

That's probably because I got to park in the pits area with the other "family favourites" ;)

I was there for quite a while though and saw a fair few PHrs. I just assumed you were busy snapping cars :) Did you get home ok?

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Dinkel
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Dinkel » 09 apr 2009, 23:00

Well, I had to host Ken (a8hex) and chaperonne my chauffeur Transmitter Man.

Quite a nice output!

TheStoat
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door TheStoat » 10 apr 2009, 18:23

Do you guys get Viz magazine? Truly excellent publication :D Here are a few examples from their letters page.....



If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be
calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up
all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at
least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London


I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I
must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer
brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after
all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath


A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that
'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the
one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy


'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of
me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed
potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford


I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a
billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more
harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough


So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th
anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh
about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll


I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into
perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by
an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to
come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and
quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get
their story straight.
T Potter


Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some
action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should
keep her quiet for a while.
Warren


THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed
all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire


TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older'
when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's
arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify
that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer


I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ
great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a
grocer or something.
A Terrorist


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray


'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,
'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond Sweatybollocks


How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the
non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts'
sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they
should have been developing something to make them stick.
J Boxbury, Norfolk



MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously
relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.
Peter Marwood


I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and
with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over
there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner


Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley


I went to a house the other day to fix a lady's washing machine, a Zanuss
ZWF 161, which kept stopping halfway through the spin cycle. I took it
apart, but couldn't for the life of me see what was causing the problem. I
realised why when I suddenly remembered that I was not an electrical
engineer, but a pensions and savings advisor with the
Cheltenham & Gloucester Building Society. How foolish I felt as I tried to
put it back together.
Norman Topsoil, Luton


ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of
her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the
couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to
the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had
mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step
and Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website
http://www.heathermillsmccartney.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;, or perhaps when she sold her life story to
the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the
message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of
publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds


MY HUSBAND plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was
determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again.
Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3.00am and told me there was a basket
of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out of the
bedroom window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got
there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had.
However, the joke wasn't over. When I got back into the bedroom the cheeky
devil had filled my slippers with broken glass. I'm determined he won't
get me this year.
Ethel Alcohol, Sutton


I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London


With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But
perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan. Lo Chi
Chang, Taipei

I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If
anything they start asking me for more money.
Ian Sertname, Brighton le Sands


I'm not surprised Ellen MacArthur's boat went in a great big circle around
the world. I've bought lengths of wood from B&Q as well.
T Haliday, Shropshire


Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having
these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have
more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton

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Niels
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Re: Crap jokes time.....

Bericht door Niels » 10 apr 2009, 18:32

:thnx:

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